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| A Poem http://www.yarrthepirate.com/phpbb3/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4803 |
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| Author: | Lynndaryn [ Thu May 05, 2005 4:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | A Poem |
This is kinda embarrasing for me actually, but I was inspired to write this by events that I'll not go into here, and I wanted some opinions on it. Please feel free to give me your honest thoughts. A Place An original work of Sage Holzhauer There is a place, Farther away than you can imagine. This place, Resides firmly in a state of mind. This State of Mind, Happens to be unique to each mind. These minds, Tie in with each other more than you know. There is a name, in this place, the name of an emotion. An emotion that has been forgotten by many, and treasured by few. It has a name, A simple name in a complex time. A time where four lettered words are naughty. This name, is Love. Love is a four lettered word that denies it's own stereotype. Stereotypes rule this place, In the world that is today. Love is a good thing, and should be desired by all. Yet, the multitudes push it away, and so it goes. It goes back to it's place, and waits. It waits for someone to open the door, and invite it back into the world. So that once again, it can bring people to that place. That place, Farther away than you can imagine. That place, Resides firmly in a State of mind. That state of mind, Happens to be unique to each mind. Those minds, tie into each other more than you know. Where there is a name, that it wants you to see. An emotion long forgotten by most, but treasured by some. Brings you to this place, to show you a Name. For Love has many names, and Each lies within your own place. I have been led to the name Within me, I opened the door. Love took me by the hand, Led me to that place. And I now know, what I could not see before. I do love. I have not forgotten. I treasure it. Won't you open your door, the door within your place. Find the name you love? |
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| Author: | Lynndaryn [ Fri May 06, 2005 3:41 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
oh come on people, I submitted this in the hopes of getting the opinions of people I truly respect, the least you can do is just read it and let me know what you thought. I'm dissappointed with this place more and more as time goes on, really. |
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| Author: | Mintsy [ Fri May 06, 2005 12:51 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
its ok, i guess. if it was written for someone you care about. but i wouldn’t take it seriously as a formal work, or even one to display on a public forum (probably why no one replied). its kind of boring, i mean... love is WAY over done in poetry. and whenever i see a poem about love, i vomit a bit in my mouth because its so over done and most are presented in a completely unoriginal way. there isn't really anything challenging about this poem, and good poetry should challenge you to understand it. and there really isn't any kind of tension or even a recognizable tone. or imagery. and, i dont even feel like it reads like a poem, i lot of it seems very "short answer-ish" it just feels like a rambling on to me. and the repetition, feels kind of monotonous. but i like how you capitalized a few random words, but sticking to a fixed style formula would make it seem somewhat more remarkable. for example; the capitalized of Mind in "This State of Mind" but yet you don't capitalize mind again in "That state of mind" or "Those minds" I think working on some type of form/style could really save this poem from a yawnfest. sorry if this seems harsh, but you asked for thoughts, and i'm not the type of person to just nod and say yeah its nice. but i think whoever you wrote it for will be touched, because i think putting effort into creating something for someone you care about is really sweet. but for others on the outside, its really really really boring to read. |
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| Author: | Lynndaryn [ Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Yay, a reply, Thank you Mintsy, I don't think it's harsh at all. I wanted honest opinions, I knew some people weren't going to think highly of it, I'm not dissappointed in the least, I'm just happy that at least someone out there can take the time to not only read it, but to also give some constructive critisism. For this, I truly Thank you Mintsy. I'll work on my style next time I'm randomly inspired to write something. |
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