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hehe ok well, It's been awhile since I went the romantic route on this board. I know a lot of folks said they enjoyed my posts and what i had to say and shit. And as with every posts, like this one, if you're not really interested in reading about someone's personal life, and their real feelings and are just looking to flame someone for choosing to express their innermost bullshit to some anonymous internet audience than.. by all means please discontinue reading now.
Well, most of you who're continuing to read may or may not remember the drama I was going through with a certain person that i was obsessed with. There's posts about it, you can search for it. The basic jist is that I was head over heels in love with this girl, of whom which i had been courting for the better part of ten-going-on-eleven years. It had been very difficult to move on from her and was interfering with my life... and basically i was losing my mind being around her, frustrated, sad, angry, sick... i wasn't eating, sleeping, having nightmares, waking up from dreamless sleep gasping for breath. That's when I decided to write and illustrate her a book saying everything i ever wished i could those nights we stayed up in eachother's arms.
The book was one of 2 things... it would either be the final expression of myself to her by which she might finally understand just how much we mean to eachother and finally give us an honest shot. Or it would be my goodbye... I said everything I have to say.. you have the answers to any questions you'll ever have, and when you're sad or lonely.. you can look at this and remember how much someone loved you....
Included in that book were 2 CDs represented by our 2 favorite seasons: spring and fall, they were meant as compliment pieces to the book, for her to listen to as she read the book, to "set the mood" of the book so she would be more intuned with what type of emotions i was trying to convey through certain passages.
Well, the book didn't work and it was goodbye, yet still time would go by and she would pull me back in again, and it was around our birthdays this past june that i was going to tell her she needs to stop.. and how was i planning on finding the strength to do this? The answer was simple and logical.. I've found that in this life when you have nothing else and even your humor doesn't work to get you through your days that you can always rely on your logic. I'm not sure how many of you know a lot about me or my present living situation.. with out getting into much detail it's not a happy one for the most part. I take care of my motehr who is disabled from a stroke several years ago, as well in the last 10 years i've had to endure the lose of both sets of grandparents, a 24 yr old cousin who commited suicide, my father to a heroin overdose, and my sister jennifer and best friend ivan in a car accident in brazil, not to mention a few lovers and friends as well (not by death but just by fading out). All of whom I was very close to and helped in killing off the more bohemian side of myself which i NEEDED to do. My father and sister both passed within a year of eachother and my mother and I were left by ourselves to live off of my sister's life insurance. This was in the wake of 9/11 and the web industry deflation. All i had as far as experience was a 6 month web certifaction program and some retail work history, and jobs were impossible at best to find. The responsibility was fully upon my shoulders and most would've crushed under the pressure... but my logic was there. I cut off my outlet to my bohemian self and gave up a lot of my habits to focus on being a career-minded individual.. and as i set goals for myself I found that with time i brought what i needed to myself. I am proud to say that I have had a steady fulltime job on salaray with benefits for almost 3 years now, my mother and I, while still struggling, are doing well and are not in any SEVERE financial distress. I am not so proud to say that I barely ever talk to anyone anymore and am able to be a robot because I choose to numb myself with a mindless videogame, drugs, and alcohol instead of dealing with my real emotions everyday.
Anyway, so the plan was to convince myself and Maio, that I was clinically obsessed with her and that it was sick and depraved and unhealthy for both of us. It was the perfect answer.. there would be no lingering emotions, because for the "career-minded individual" it was what was "right". I tried to convinced myself that it was wrong on the level of say, raping a 5 yr old... and it was easy for me to switch off and move on once i did this. Granted, it wasn't the perfect solution because maio and i still lost our "best friends" but it was a good enough reason for us not to see/contact eachother. On the night I was to talk to her about this she stood me up and it was the perfect final push i needed to realize that what i was doing was right. I left her a note telling her that was how i was feeling and that i really needed space.
2 months went by and not a word... and then I get a frantic call at home one day from Maio saying how she knows she's supposed to be leaving me alone but that her mom is in the hospital with a mass the size of a softball in her colon. Obviously, no longer the time for games.. I told her I would be right there and asked her if she needed anything on the way. So now, fate has brought us back together for the umpteeth time and I'm losing my mind wondering why. But I'm just being strong for Maio because she needs that now, and she needs a friend, and she needs me, because I'm the only one she feels safe with.
In my personal distress that I'm going through being back around her, especially getting to be her knight in shining armor and feeling so loved and needed, I had to have an outlet because it wouldn't be "ok" for me to bring up my own feelings in what's going on atm. So i made what i would consider to be one of the most pathetic emo mixes the world's ever seen, as i said it's on par with "troy's love tape to melissa". It has audio clips from "what dreams may come" (this movie released in the 90s about death, soulmates, the divine comedy and rules if you never seen it.. go to it). It will be "winter" from the seasons mixes i'm making for maio.. it has some cheesy songs on it, mostly because if i didn't include some sad songs that she liked she'd never listen to it. here is the track listing with lyrics and the soundbytes typed out. I hope you guys enjoy it, it's sad as shit, but it's really cool and i reccomend checking out every song on it that you've never heard before.. especially if you can appreciate a good love/sad song.
Winter
Tori Amos
Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose, get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my father’s glove
I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice ’you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can’t always be around’
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I’ll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I’m here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where’s the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thin
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I’ll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud
I always wanted that myself
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gona change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I’ll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Never change
All the white horses
_______________________
Suical Dream
Silverchain
I dream about, how it’s going to end
Approaching me quickly
Leaving a life of fear
I only want my mind to be clear
People, making fun of me
For no reason but jealousy
I fantasise about my death
I’ll kill myself from holding my breath
My suicidal dream
Voices telling me what to do
My suicidal dream
I’m sure you will get yours too
Help me, comfort me
Stop me from feeling what I’m feeling now
The rope is here
Now I’ll find a use
I’ll kill myself
I’ll put my head in a noose
My suicidal dream
Voices telling me what to do
My suicidal dream
I’m sure you will get yours too
Dreamin’ about my death, dream
Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream
I’m suicidal
Suicidal dream
_____________________________
Suicide Machine
Hum
Sleep comes to everyone while we wait for the sunday afternoons
Sleep comes to everyone, everyone baby, yeah, but you
Sleep comes to everyone while we wait, wide awake and blue
Sleep comes to everyone, everyone baby, yeah, but me and you
And so i give myself away to everybody everyday
And so i give myself to you, and you need it more than i do
Sleep comes to everyone while we wait for the sunday afternoons
Sleep comes to everyone, everyone baby, yeah, but you
And i have this one figured out
That's why the suicide machine is built for two
A simple sick device devised to overload on love
To bring us colored dreams and soundtracked waves of fun
And so i give myself away to everybody everyday
And so i give myself to you and you need it more than i do
Sleep comes to no one else like we have falling through the ground
Fulfilling promises of endless summer nights
I'm losing ground
You're losing sound
Somewhere through a thousand blues a dragonfly descends with just a whisper
I'm lonelier than god
And all my wishes spin the fishes in the air
And everyone a different shade of you
And to the left where up is down now stand a zebra made of shapes of me
And silver and the sun
So bring no guilt with you up above the flatline
Let's just hit the sky exploding into one
______________________________
Ian: We're going to go through something, very hard right now, I'm with you, you're not alone. Chris, Annie's dead. She killed herself. It's nothing I ever expected.
Chris: Like I said, you don't know us. Is that kind of an occupational hazard of soulmates? One's not much without the other...
______________________________
Without You I'm Nothing
Placebo
Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide
I'll take it by your side
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide
I'll take it by your side
Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies
I'll take it by your side
Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide
I'll take it by your side
tick - tock
tick - tick - tick - tick - tick - tock
I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen
I seem to lose the power of speech
Your slipping slowly from my reach
You grow me like an evergreen
You never see the lonely me at all
I...
Take the plan, spin it sideways
I...
Fall
Without you, I'm Nothing
Without you, I'm nothing
Without you, I'm nothing
Take the plan, spin it sideways
Without you, I'm nothing at all
_______________________
Breaking The Girl
Red Hot Chili Peppers
I am a man
Cut from the know
Rarely do friends
Come and then go
She was a girl
Soft but estranged
We were the two
Our lives rearranged
Feeling so good that day
A feeling of love that day
Twisting and turning
Your feelings are burning
You're breaking the girl
She meant you no harm
Think you're so clever
But now you must sever
You're breaking the girl
He loves no one else
Raised by my dad
Girl of the day
He was my man
That was the way
She was the girl
Left alone
Feeling the need
To make me her home
I don't know what when or why
The twilight of love had arrived
Twisting and turning
Your feelings are burning
You're breaking the girl
She meant you no harm
Think you're so clever
But now you must sever
You're breaking the girl
He loves no one else
_____________________
Black
Pearl Jam
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll ever be
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine?
______________________________
Chris: I've never seen anything like it.
Annie: Well, that's my role.. to bring adventure to your life! You, taught me, the one thing, the only thing, I should always remember.
Chris: Which is?
Annie: I forgot. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah... you must never give up.... never give up
______________________________
You Belong To Me
Bob Dylan
See The Pyramids
Along the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From a tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs
And souvenirs
Just remember
When your dream appears
You belong to me
I'll be so alone
Without you
Maybe
You'll be lonesome, too
Maybe
You'll be lonesome too
And blue
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When its wet with rain
Just remember
Till you're home again
You belong to me
I'll be so alone
Without you
Maybe
You'll be lonesome, too
Maybe
You'll be lonesome too
And blue
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When its wet with rain
Just remember
Till you're home again
You belong to me
_______________________
I Found A Reason
Cat Power
Oh I do believe
In all the things you see
What comes is better than what came before
And you’d better come come, come come to me
Better come, come come, come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come
Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better that what came before
And you’d better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
You’d better run
__________________________
Guitar and Videogames
Sunny Day Real Estate
How is it you feel?
I remember you at the top of my room
All these things we wondered how to hide
See how it works when
All the day long in a bottle of mud
All these fears we wondered how to hide with our love
How is it you feel when you run?
Ships won’t come in in a bottle of mud
All this time looking for love
And you want to find peace
But you find me
Mondrary fields where we run
See how it works with a bottle of rum
All this time hiding from death
And we want to be strong
But we find
Tthe true story
A tale
Writing itself as we sail
A story
A tale
Writing itself as we wail
Never again my dear
Should we come dancing here
We’ll play guitar and video games
What if we refuse to follow the rules of fashion?
Tell me something you’d tell a fool
Ways to refuse to follow the rules of fashion
How is it you feel then?
Remember you in the top of my room
All these things remade me and caused to be something grand
Never again shall we
Come dancing in the sea
We’ll play guitar for a new
We’ll play guitar for a new
We’ll play guitar and video games
What if we refuse to follow the rules of fashion?
Tell me something you’d tell a fool
Ways to refuse to follow the rules of fashion
_____________________________
Morning Theft
Jeff Buckley
Time takes care of the wound, so I can believe
You had so much to give, you thought I couldn’t see
Gifts for boot heels to crush, promises deceived
I had to send it away to bring us back again
Your eyes and body brighten silent waters, deep
Your precious daughter in the other room, asleep
A kiss goodnight from every stranger that I meet
I had to send it away to bring us back again
Morning theft. unpretender left, ungraceful
True self is what brought you here, to me
A place where we can accept this love
Friendship battered down by useless history
Unexamined failure
What am I still to you?
Some thief who stole from you?
Or some fool drama queen whose chances were few?
That brings us to who we need
A place where we can save
A heart that beats as both siphon and reservoir
You’re a woman, I’m a calf
You’re a window, I’m a knife
We come together making chance into starlight
Meet me tomorrow night, or any day you want
I have no right to wonder just how, or when
You know the meaning fits
There’s no relief in this
I miss my beautiful friend
I have to send it away to bring her back again
_______________________
I Know Your Ways
Black Heart Procession
Was down time when you meet the end
Was frozen yet taught as you came
If one was and the other not like you
So the reason is to rely on that one
Cause I know your ways
And I know what you'll say
That I'll always run back
When it all falls
Yes I'll always run back
When it all falls away
And comes back to me and you
You know, it always comes back to me and you
Down there
What will they find?
It's the way that
The light all decays.
Cause I know your ways
Cause I know how you think
That I'll always run back
When it all falls
And you'll always run back
When it all falls
And I'll always run back
When it all falls
Yes you'll always run back
When it all falls away
And comes back to me and you
You know, yes, it always comes back to me and you
You know
________________________
Have You Forgotten
Red House Painters
I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
Wrapped in white sheets
Like an angel from a bedtime story
Shut out what they say
Cause your friends are fucked up anyway
When they come around
Somehow they feel up and you feel down
When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
We listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice
And to think of them just makes you feel nice
The smell of grass in spring
And October leaves covered everything
Have you forgotten how to love yourself?
I still can't believe all the good things that you did for me
Backyard summer pools and Christmas trees were bright and full
And the sentiment of coloured mirrored ornaments
And the open drapes
Looked out on frozen farmhouse landscapes
Have you forgotten how to love yourself?
________________________________
Chris: I'm sorry babe, but there's some things I have to say... I've only got a few moments left. I'm sorry for all the things I'll never give you, I'll never buy you another meatball sub with extra sauce.. that was a big one. I'll never make you smile, I just wanted us to be old together. Just 2 old farts laughing at eachother as our bodies fell apart. Together at the end at that lake in your painting. That was out heaven, see? There's lots of things to miss: books, maps, kisses, FIGHTS! Oh, God, we had some great ones! Thank you for every Kindness, thank you for our children, the first time i saw them. Thank you for being someone I was always proud to be with, for your guts, for your sweetness, for how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you. You were my life. I apologize for every time I failed you. Especially this one.
________________________________
How To Disappear Completely
Radiohead
That there
That’s not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the liffey
I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not here
In a little while
I’ll be gone
The moment’s already passed
Yeah it’s gone
And I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not here
____________________________
Chris: Where are we headed babe? In one minute I won't know you, any better than you'll know me. But we'll be together. Where we belong. Good people end up in hell because they can't forgive themselves. I know I can't. But I can forgive you.
Annie: For killing my children. and my sweet husband?
Chris: No, for being so wonderful a guy would choose hell over heaven just to hang around you.
...and because i remind you...
...and because i couldn't join you...
...so i left you alone...
...don't give up ok?...
____________________________
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but it just doesn't seem like she's interested in your love, or your feelings for her more than a friend. that's a real shame because i think she's missing out on something that could make her life magical.. the love you have for her is apparent and i'm surprised that she couldn't see it, and doesn't feel the same way. 
