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1) Rosie O’Donnell- Do I really need to explain this one? I know that she’s a lesbian, which should in theory make her that much hotter, but the thought of having sex with Rosie is about as appealing as getting kicked in the nuts by David Beckham. Rosie O’Donnell is about as sexy as a UPS truck.
2) Janet Reno- Janet Reno is not sexy. I swear to God. When Will Ferrell impersonated her on Saturday Night Live, he was a sexier woman than she is. There are male high school janitors with more sex appeal than Janet Reno.
3) Caroline Rhea- It’s hard not to look sexy when surrounded by fat people on The Biggest Loser, but she pulls it off.
4) Kathy Griffin- It could be the terrible voice, the Carrot Top hair, or the neck like a Redwood, or maybe it’s all three. Kathy Griffin is the boner’s only natural enemy.
5) Ann Coulter- Full of anger, and not in the good way, Ann Coulter is scary to even talk about let alone sleep with. Where do we begin with Ann Coulter? She jokes about bombing the New York Times Building, she bashes her fellow women every chance she gets, and she has an Adam’s apple the size of a softball. Anne Coulter is sexy like Hitler or Attila the Hun was sexy.
6) Barbara Walters- I guess it would be cool to do it with the women who was on the scene when they repealed prohibition, but not cool enough to ever tell anyone about it.
7) Starr Jones- Oh look everyone! Now that she lost six hundred pounds from that bypass surgery, she’s suddenly sexy. I speak for men everywhere when I say we’re not buying it. Thanks, but no thanks.
Connie Chung- Her husband is Maury Povich. And she married up. Ouch.
9) Debra Jo Rupp- In the running with Genghis Kahn and Alfred Hitchcock for the least sexy name in history award, Kitty Foreman looks exactly like you would expect her to look. Like a baked potato.
10) Hillary Clinton- Let’s put it like this; so incredibly unattractive that her husband cheated on her with Monica Lewinsky.
11) Yoko Ono- Breaking up the Beatles = Not so sexy.
12) Martha Stewart- How intimidating would that be? Doing it with the “domestic diva”/ ex-con would be like showing up naked to college admissions interview; getting judged on so many levels.
13) Barry Bonds- After years of steroid use filled his body with estrogen and ravaged his manhood, Barry Bonds is most certainly a woman. And he is most certainly an un-sexy one, at that.
14) Cameron Manheim- I think after the nineteenth earring, things just went a little cold. Or maybe it’s the fact that she could kick the shit out of 90 percent of the people she meets. It’s one or the other.
15) Courtney Love- Quick Rule of Thumb: Women who look like they just woke up at a bus stop tend to be the antithesis of sexy.
16) Jodie Sweetin- It’s hard to look sexy when you spend your whole life being compared to the Olsen Twins and Candace Cameron, and that whole meth thing really didn’t help.
17) Cynthia Nixon- See Kathy Griffin.
18) Brigitte Nielsen- Put some clothes on before I vomit all over myself…Too late.
19) Flavor of Love Girls- Something about going on a Bachelor-type reality show to compete for the affection of a washed up rapper just screams “Daddy problems!” And it also gets you a spot on the un-sexy list. If it don’t apply, let it fly.
20) Alanis Morissette- Complaining so much is just a turn off. Also, when your biggest hit is a song about getting even with a guy who cheated on you, the law of averages says you are probably more psycho than sexy.
21) Kirstie Alley- I think that for the writers of Cheers to believe that former Major League Pitcher/Current bar owner/Stud Sam Malone would be attracted to Kirstie Alley is an insult to the collective intelligence of America.
22) Pamela Anderson- This not to say I would dream of turning her down. It’s just a little overdone at this point.
23) Nicole Richie- She wasn’t sexy when she was a heroin addict, she wasn’t sexy as Paris Hilton’s chubby sidekick, and she certainly isn’t sexy in her latest incarnation: paper thin disaster waiting to happen.
24) Jenna Jameson- If it was easy, everyone would be doing it…oh, wait…
25) Katie Holmes- When she was Joey on Dawson’s Creek, she would have been miles from this list. But I think having Tom Cruises’ baby makes her un-sexy solely by association. Sorry.
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