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I did not take anything said in these forums the wrong way. I knew that I would have your support. I have met so many people within FFXI that have just struck me as having such good hearts. I tend to be a very private person irl, so being able to come on here and share my emotions with u has been such a tremendous help.
I WILL be back on the game, there is not a doubt in my mind. The few times I've been on since this happened have been the few times that I have been able to smile.
If you don't mind I would also like to share what I have written to speak at his memorial service. I only hope that I have the courage and fortitude to be able to do it.
I REMEMBER
I remember the day Bill and I first met. He had come to Fort Polk from Ranger School and we met at a St. Patrick’s Day Dinner Dance at the Officer’s Club there. We danced, we talked, and at the end of the night he asked me out. I remember working with my mother in the yard the next morning. She asked how my evening went and I said “I met a guy, he’s kind of funny looking, but he’s nice.” Little did I know at that time what an understatement that was.
I remember the first time I met his family. I was nervous and scared. He teased me about it, but then he said “I love you, so I know they will too.” He was right, they loved me and accepted me into the family because he loved me.
I remember when we made our 1st trip from Fort Polk to Virginia. I was just a small-town country girl who had never traveled on an interstate. Our first day went so well. Our second day we got separated. After having had his car in front of me for an entire day I had memorized his license plate. Believe it or not I called the police on my own husband. They managed to find him and guide me to him that day. I remember Bill coming out of the car and coming to me. I remember that he didn’t make me feel like a complete idiot. Instead he hugged me and said everything was ok and he loved me.
I remember our third day on that trip. We ran into snow. Again being that country girl, I had never driven in weather conditions like that. My car hit a patch and spun to the center intersection. We couldn’t get the car started so Bill left to get a tow truck. While he was gone I noticed a lot of steam coming from the hood of the car. My thoughts at that time were, oh no the car’s going to blow up. I remember Bill coming back with the tow truck and my standing about 20 feet away from the car in the snow and rain. Bill came up to me never once saying what a fool I was. He just laughed and took me to his car and took care of me and told me he loved me.
I remember when we found out we would be leaving Virginia and going to Illinois. Bill would be teaching ROTC there. He packed me in my car to make the preparations for our assignment there. Even then he showed his confidence in me and gave me the courage to face the challenges that we would have. Before I left, he told me he loved me.
I remember five years after we were married, my saying to Bill “I want a baby”. He just said “Ok”, like he did all through our marriage. There wasn’t a time that I wanted something that Bill ever said no to me. That was just another way that he showed me that he loved me.
I remember my first pregnancy. We were so excited. Things went wrong and Bill had to take me to the hospital and I miscarried. I remember how frightened I was and the pain of losing that unborn child. Bill stood by me every moment, never once showing his own fear or his own pain. Instead, he told me that everything would be ok, and that he loved me.
I remember Brian being born. I remember being so amazed that the two of us had created such a beautiful thing. I remember Brian having such severe colic and both of us pacing the floor with him. I remember how Bill would walk with him at all hours of the night. He took over so I could get some sleep, never once saying that he had to get up the next morning and go to work, never once complaining. Instead he would walk with Brian, get up in the morning and go to work, and as he left he told me he loved me.
I remember Jennifer being born. We knew that Bill was going to have to leave soon for his assignment in Korea. Once again he took over. He took Jennifer day or night, doing whatever needed to be done. He told me to rest, my turn was coming. I remember him leaving for Korea. Before he left, he told me he loved me.
I remember arriving in Hawaii for our next assignment, and how depressed I grew. He would come home from work and I would cry on his shoulder because I was so far from my Mom and Dad. He never once brought up that he was away too. He would always just hold me and tell me that he loved me.
I remember Fort Irwin. Again I would cry on his soldier. It seemed we were out in the middle of nowhere. Each time a rotation started and Bill had to go in the field, before he left he told me he loved me.
I remember leaving Fort Irwin to go to Georgia, our next assignment. Bill once again, showing his confidence in me to do what needed to be done. I remember our assignment there and how often he left to go to Iraq. I remember when I turned 40 and Bill planning my surprise birthday party, and the day before it was scheduled he was called to once again leave. I remember how bad he told me he felt about leaving at that time and him telling me he loved me.
I remember leaving the military and entering the civilian world. I had so many fears and insecurities. Bill never talked about his own, if he had them. He always was there to reassure me that somehow he would take care of his family, and to tell me that he loved me.
I remember our civilian life, and how we laughed about leaving the Army so that Bill would have more time to be with us, instead us having even less time together. I couldn’t tell you the dates of every trip he took. It really was so unimportant at that time. What I can tell you is that on each trip, before he left and when he called, he always told me he loved me.
I remember all through our lives, people coming up to me and telling me how good Bill was, how he had some kind of impact on their lives. I remember them telling me how lucky I was, and I would laugh and carelessly answer that yes, I felt that way too. Even though Bill is gone, I still feel like the luckiest woman on earth, because for 25 years I had him showing me how to grow as a person, teaching me independence, telling me how special he thought I was and most of all having his love.
Our wedding ring has put a mark on my finger that can be seen. In time, should I ever remove that ring the mark will fade. Bill has put a mark on my heart that can’t be seen and will never go away. If you can hear me now, for all the times that you said or showed how you loved me – please know that I loved you too.
Cyntari
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Don't fix me -- I'm not broken!
Yarr's love slave.
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i'll make sure to have a drink for your husband and have all those around send on their wishes.
