Mikey, holy shit. I'm so sorry, you're right dude. I constantly beat myself up and put myself through hell because I'm incapable of finding this amazing relationship, that I feel, will be the answer to my problems. I push all the blame on myself and think if there's just one thing i could change about myself physically, or personality-wise, that I wouldn't get rejected all the time, I would do it in a heartbeat. I get so down on myself that I think about suicide and I'm constantly abusing my body by smoking, doing drugs, and drinking. And I don't care, a part of me feels like I'm a worthless piece of shit for not being able to have that which I most desire, therefor, why should I care if I'm giving myself cancer, or if I get too drunk and asphixiate on my own vomit. Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go. I think there are 2 major reasons why i focus on it:

1. my family was amazing when I was a kid, we took vacations, spent a lot of time together, my parents were always really open and honest and truly cared for my sister and I and tried to give us everything they never had and what we wanted. When i was about 16 (coincidentally when maio first came into my life) my family fell to shit and has just been a downwardspiral since, I was so sheletered at 16.. my greatest tragedy was not getting the super nintendo game i really wanted for christmas. Then maio broke my heart and introduced me to my feelings and emotions... it was that same year that both my grandfathers died, my 24 yr old cousin who was crack-addicted, hung himself and it was later discovered that he was doing sexual favors on the guy who gave him a palce to live in exchange for money for drugs (he was straight btw), this was also the year my dad starting using heroin. In the years to come.. it just got worse, my dad died of a heroin overdose, both my gradmothers died, my mom had a stroke, my sister died, my best friend ivan died. So I pretty much lost any semblence of family, before I even realized how important family is, and now I hope to meet someone that I can just attach myself to and start a new family... a new shot at having that feeling back.. if I can make my own... maybe... it'll be better than the last.

2. as I said previously, Maio was really the thing in my life that first emotionally destroyed me. up until that point, my life was good, and I think a part of me feels like, if I can somehow find this person, I no longer need to feel emotionally destroyed about women, I can finally relax and come to terms with those initial feelings of rejection, anger, frustration, sadness, depression that have since encompassed my life at this point.

So it goes, Mikey I think about people who've been in situations like you, or people who're parapeligic, or born with cerebral paulsy, or live in 3rd world countries. And I think, wtf do I have to be so down about.. so down that I would consider taking my life, despite all the beatiful things I've seen and can still enjoy in my life, and all the things that I've accomplished. All I know is that since everythign terrible has happened in my life, I've worked my ass off, in the face of tragedy, not letting myself succumb to my emotions, and with barely any help from friends and family to step up and take responsibility, for things which aren't in fact, my responsibility. My life everyday is to wake up, go to work, come home, make sure my mom got home from her rehab center ok, make sure she has something to eat, clean up and any other daily household chores (including laundry, food shopping, and things of that nature if they need to get done) then I spend the rest of the night getting fucked up and escaping into ffxi so i don't have to think about how much i hate my job, and taking care of my mom, and how i spend more than half of my day stuck in an office making 40k a year and how 95% of that I'll never see because it goes right to rent or bills, how lonely I am, how bored I am, how much I wish I had someone to call or to spend time with someone who could remotely relate to how I feel most of the time...and that is when all my nagative emotions seem to take hold of me and tell me to get out and try it again in another life.

For what it's worth Mikey, you have helped me to realize, because I had forgotten, how things could be much worse. and I know you're regretting drudging up these feelings, but you did so to help me, and I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate that notion. I just hope you realize (as I also struggle to realize) how much you're well loved around here (even if it just a shity messageboard and a shitty mmorgp, that there are real people behind all these fake ones..just like you and i) and that if you can find people who think you're amazing here, then it must be possible irl too eh? If you ever need anything or just want to chat or whatever, let me know dude, I'm totally here for you.

AIM: deffertz79
E-MAIL: deffertz79@aol.com

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Jim… I don’t know… but just from reading your last post… it sounds to me like you have some false-hopes for this relationship with Maio?

I mean, it almost sound like if only you can be with her, your world would change. Everything will be better… all the problems in your life, such as you don’t like your job or that your fell apart and that you have take care or you mom would all disappear if you were with Maio…

I’m not saying that it wouldn’t help to have someone by your side during hard times… I mean after all it’s all about our attitude towards the situation. I honestly don’t how much she is to you, and I can’t really estimate whether she can give you a total new positive outlook on life. But I do know that ultimately… it’s up to you how you view life.

Depending on others to make you feel like life is worth living is just going to make you very vulnerable. Hoping that “if only I can be with her then life would be saved/changed” is only going to make you feel like your life is out of your control. You will always feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster if you always depend on other people to make you feel like you have a point of existence.

If you read another thread, I remember Cyn said something that really moved me. People leave us, whether they want to or not. We need to build a life around ourselves, not center our lives on someone else.

Only you can make peace with your life. Be it letting go of Maio, or coming to terms and accept that you may never be with her, but you will care and love her even though the feeling are not reciprocal.

But certain things are not going to change until you take charge of your life. You and your job and you mom’s situation aren’t about to change whether you’re with Maio or not. It’s something that you have to handle it separately and on your own, instead of confusing them with your feelings for her.

It’s a huge burden on the girl, to be the sole support of your life.

Jim i have a few important things to say but i need to go to the shipping department near my house. I'll talk more when i get to the office

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

<3 Mikey
Lets go ride the airship all day and join the Vana'diel mile high club.
I will be fun. Flying taru air you're always left with a smile^^

Jim, i feel ya buddy. We "all" have lots of our own demons we deal with. I don't think there is one person out there that dont have something that tears them apart inside. I don't have the answers, and really havn't worked out mine myself, but i can tell ya it has to get better bud. We're young, and you have you health and whole life ahead of ya. Cheer up bud. We <3 ya.

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Thanks Ero. Much love <3 :D

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Jim you kinda caught on to what i was trying to do. My thing is i lost my faith, however my faith in others hasn't been lost. I wanted you to straighten up so you can really look foward and see you gonna be alright. THough i made myself vunerable and never really talked about this openly. I am incapable of feeling any real love. I mean i understand loving family or friends. But that type of love is completely alien to me. I cannot at all understand it, it doesn't matter what anyone says i'm incapable. I'll talk more people are trying to read over my sholder and i refuse i'ma stab someone

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

As i was saying . YOU however do have hope in that aspect. YOU are quite capable of feeling love and being loved by someone. You have hope do you understand ?

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

/sigh, Git I told you didn't want to keep talking about it, I understand that you mean well, and you're trying to help me, but the things that you choose to try and make me realize, I've already realized awhile ago, and have overlooked to go the route of my emotions.

I'm no longer harping on Maio, yes, I thought that we would fully enrich eachothers lives, because she is the only person in my life as fucked up as me and neither of us are afraid to show that to eachother, because neither of us has ever ran from eachother because of it (like most of the otehr people in our lives). However, her position stands, so I'm moving on, hell this post was just about me having questions about the type of relationship I had with maio and trying to get some answers/opinions on it as a general situation..that's why I didn't name names or give any specifics about the situaton.

It's hard to really try and say what's best for another individual.. maybe I am just the type of person who needs a relationship to feel OK, this is not all that uncommon in people. My job and home situation aren't going to change, I've worked my ass off (despite you saying that I'm not in charge of my life) to be able to take care of my mom and support her and myself, because I don't want to see her living in a nursing home. yes it's all stressful, but that's a big part of life, and finding someone or being with maio (to keep in accordance with the subject matter) would alleviate a lot of that stress, if for nothign more than just to be able to wake up everyday and know that I'm dealing with all the stress because I'm working towards building a future with someone I love.



um, weren't you the one who iterated before how important having friends and family is, think real hard about a lot of your goals and why and for whom you want to accomplish them.. think about it, if our lives weren't based heavily around people..would there be a point to it? if you were the only human alive.. how long do you think you could bare it before you just wanted it to be over? well, that's kinda how I feel most days... The truth is the only real evidence we have that we ever existed is the memories we instill in people.

Bleh there's some much mroe I could say to try and get you to understand Maio and I and teh way that we were, but I feel like it's kind of pointless now and I don't really feel like talking about it anymore.. so please lets move back to this being a general discuss and not one specifically about the maio and dirk situation..however, I do appreciate all your concern and advice, you read through all my shit, thought about it, and tried to give me an answer, which is more than i could've asked from anyone, if you want tot alk to me about it further, I would prefer to do so privately, please see my contact info above in my post to mikey.

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I understand Mikey, and I want to make you proud hehe, i want to be one of those folks who has the awesome g/f and relationship and it's just so right that you can't hate. I do think I am capable, and I don't want to give up on that hope..the thought of doing so makes me really sad. the thought of changing myself and stuffing all of my true emotions down inside and replacing them with someone I'm not, but someone who works..someone who gets what I want.. but no longer knows what to do with it, just that it was something I wanted one day. To me, that is a tragedy, because my ability to wear my heart on my sleeve and fall in love with people so easily is part of what I think is really beautiful about my /gasp soul. it's not being afraid to live in the moment and risk your feelings to be trampled.. to take a shot at true happiness and love.

I don't think you are incapabale of this Mikey, I think you just need to learn how to love and trust yourself again..it sounds to me from your posts that you have a lot 'self' issues you need to work through, hell who doesn't right? I'm the suicidal one! lol but seriously, I think if you could stop blaming yourself and figure out who David is and start to really appreciate yourself, you could understand how someone would want to love you (in that way) and then your heart would start to open up to love them back. or maybe I'm just bullshitting, I hate to be preachy Mikey, but I do think you're awesome and I do think you're worth it and cpabale, but I think it's you who gets in the way of that..your defenses, your walls. You've gotta be free man, life is too short. It's gonna take a hell of a lot of time, or it may be something that just clicks one day, but i would say that it's imperative for you at this point to start forgiving yourself and the person who's done this to you..otherwise you'll never be really happy. You'll be strong sure, but how far is strength gonna get you, when there's nothing to be happy about? and i guess that's also kinda where I'm at, i cling to my sob story, because it makes me strong and restricts me from being happy , because in my eyes being happy = being vulnerable, but it's all a cycle, and you're right, with time ...this too shall pass. Did you see garden state? fucking awesome movie.. kind of what we're talking about, I suggest you check it out and let me knwo what you think.

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heehee I agree that we should prob. just drop the topic ^^~
but if u can, call me ruru for short, Git sound kinda funny... lol

On the last note, yes I did mention that friends and family are important.. but you can't just rely on them as ur only point of existence... as i mention too, these relationship can break too.. sometimes against our will... and we will have to learn how to live w/o them one day ; ;

If you can find someone or something that makes you happy , i would seriously be proud of you in real life

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

i've notice alot of views. I may have triggered terrible things in others memories. I'm betting there even some of you that want to say something but are too afraid

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

It's hard to find the right word sometime. People often prefer to stay quiet instead of taking a chance to say something wrong.

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Main: War75/Sam63/Blm71/Rng45
Sub: Nin37/Thf37/Whm37/Mnk30
Three nation: Done Zilart: Done CoP: Done

Yeah. I have that problem where I dont say anything because something bad may happen. Thank you cronic fear of rejection >_<!

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